Thursday, February 24, 2011

nose-picking on an interview is a no-no*

You would think this type of advice should go unsaid.

Not for one of our candidates.

Who apparently sat in the SVP Creative Director's office, putting his most prominent digit to work, digging for green goodies.

And then flicking his findings onto the director's uber expensive, hand-woven Persian rug.

*Unless it's a phone interview.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

might be time for a bucket list (of sorts)

Last night, I almost died on the Merritt Parkway.

While that sounds overly dramatic, it is a miracle that I'm not in a hospital right now.

I was cruising along the death trap known as the Sikorsky Bridge at a comfortable - and respectable - 55mph. I was about 20 feet from an on ramp when a car simply COASTED through the stop sign and onto the highway. Going 20. And not accelerating.

I leaned on the horn and slammed on my brakes...so much so that my brakes were grinding and I was seriously wondering if my car would stop.

By some miracle - and minimal swerving into the left lane of 65-mph traffic - I SOMEHOW managed to A) not hit the IDIOT who pulled out in front of me at a snail's pace, B) not get rear-ended by the truck behind me, and C) avoid getting smashed on my left side by other cars.

Unscathed, I drove home shaking ridiculously, going 40 mph behind the person who almost killed me.

I didn't have one of those 'my life flashed before my eyes' moments (my mind was more like, 'WTF is this person doing???').

But as I drove home at a Granny's speed, I realized that if something HAD happened to me, there were lots of things I would have left this world without doing.

Namely:

  • I've never seen the Grand Canyon.
  • I've never sipped wine at a sidewalk cafe in Italy.
  • I don't own a pair of Louboutins.
  • I haven't lived in my new house or cooked on my new stove!
  • I've never tasted caviar.
  • I haven't written my novel.
  • I haven't won Powerball.
  • I'm not back to a comfy size 6.
  • I haven't been on The Food Network.
  • I'm not a celebrity's BFF.
  • I have not reached 100 years old.

Time to make some lists.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

It's always something...

This Sunday is my grandmother's surprise 90th birthday party. Coincidentally, it is also my other grandparents' 68th anniversary (how did my grandmother put up with my grandfather all those years? That is another post in itself!)

Using their anniversary as the decoy seemed a perfect plan, so my mother called up my grandmother yesterday.

MOM: "Rose, we are going to take my parents out to dinner on Sunday for their anniversary, would you like to come?"

GRAM: "No, thank you. I think I'm going to stay home. I would feel weird going, it's their celebration."

What the...?

MOM: "Rose, you have to come! They would be disappointed if you weren't there."

GRAM: "No, I think I'll pass."

Pass? I don't think so.

Who do you think my mother's next phone call was to?

MOM: "KK, you need to convince your grandmother to go on Sunday. She is NOT staying home, and we are NOT ruining the surprise."

Everyone knows when it's time to bring in the big gun. I just wish I had this amazing power to close deals at work. Perhaps I should start placing 90-year old ladies.

(She's coming, BTW)




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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Please file under "you can't make this sh*t up"

If there's one thing my family has going for it, it's longevity. I am blessed to still have 3 living grandparents. And one of those grandparents - my grandmother Rosie - just turned 90.

90!

And besides being slightly hard of hearing (even with hearing aids, which leads me to believe that hearing aids DO NOT WORK), Rosie is in awesome condition. (Do you love how I just spoke about my grandmother like she was a car?)

To celebrate Rosie's 90th birthday, the family is throwing her a surprise party this weekend.

And yes, I see the irony...'Surprising a 90-year-old? Are you crazy???' But please don't think all of us jumping out and screaming "Surprise!" will stop her ticker. Did you see the part where I said she was hard of hearing? To her, she will hear a mere whisper of "Surprise!" or turn to my Dad and ask, "Supplies? What supplies?"

To this wonderful surprise party we have invited a bunch of her friends from the "active retirement community" in which she lives.

The other night, my father got the very last RSVP from a nice elderly woman named Josephine, who would be honored to come to the party. (In case you're wondering, she's having the shrimp).

DAD: "The last lady has called and she's coming. But she doesn't have a ride."

KK: "What about the 8 other people coming from the complex? Can't she get a ride with them?"

DAD: "All of their cars are full. So I volunteered YOU to pick her up and bring her to the party."

Um...what?

KK: "Dad, I've never even met this woman. Are you sure she can't squeeze into one of the cars from the complex?"

DAD: "Nope. Cars are full. And plus they'd never be able to fit her walker."


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

January was fun and all...

...if you don't count the fact that we've had more snow than ever before. "inches" has been replaced by "feet" in every weatherman's vocabulary.

And, in January, Mr. KK and I began detox. I'm sad to say that sobriety may very well have ruined drinking for us both. When I finally had that first glass of wine, I was pretty much like, "Meh". What have we DONE???

We learned a lot during our month on the wagon:

* Mr. KK is much better at Scrabble when he isn't drinking
* Non-hangover Saturday mornings are VERY productive
* Mr. KK snores whether he's drunk or sober. I, however, only hear him when I'm also sober
* Dining out and drinking only seltzer makes for a very cheap bill
* Life is just sometimes better with a martini




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