Is giving the finger considered a command?

I like to think I'm a law-abiding citizen. I pay my (ridiculously over-priced) taxes. I clear the sidewalk in front of my house of snow for the mailman. And when I'm driving, I only use my cell phone when I'm 'hands-free'.

In fact, if I see you driving and either: a) holding your phone to your ear b) holding your phone and yelling into it while it's on speaker or c) texting, there's a pretty good chance I'm screaming obscenities at you. Especially if you're driving like an asshat.

So in my plight to always be hands-free while behind the wheel, I tried to use the voice-activated dialing on my phone. Look at me! Setting an example for thousands of law breakers!

The other morning I'm driving into work and I thought I'd check in with my dad. I click the little button on the side of the phone.

"Say a command." the nice female automated voice says. We'll call her Lana.

ME: "Call Mom and Dad."

(pause)

LANA: "Say a command."

ME: "CALL MOM AND DAD!" (screaming. Like an idiot)

LANA: "Did you say, 'Call Jen Smith?"

ME: "NO."

LANA: "Did you say, 'Call Boss At Home'?"

What??

ME: "NO! NO I DIDN'T!"

LANA: "Calling Boss At Home."

ME: "NO! UNDO! CANCEL! DON'T CALL! STOP CALLING!!!"

LANA: "Say a command."

ME: "Lana what are you thinking???"

LANA: "Calling Paul's Pizza."



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

this wagon sucks.

In case you can't hear us lamenting for drinks in your neck of the neighborhood, Mr. KK and I are on the wagon for the month of January.

Truthfully, it hasn't been that bad. I'm surprised I haven't floated away with all of the seltzer I've been drinking. We've been sleeping well, flushing out the old system, and saving money.

Saturday morning, after a night out with my uncle from California, I woke up feeling hungover. Which is suspect, considering I had zero alcohol, and basically drank my weight in club soda.

WTF?

Now, I wouldn't have minded waking up like that if I had actually HAD a drink. Because normally, these nights out for dinner with him consist of he and I going martini for martini, sharing the same old stories and having a good ol' time.

Instead, I sipped on my gigantic water, jealously eying my uncle as he sucked the plump, green olives dry of vodka. Downing one, then two, then an unnecessary third dry martini. Asking us the same questions four and five times. Squinting at me over the rim of his glass. Slurring just a bit.

Three martinis and Saturday morning he popped right up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Ready to start the day.

17 glasses of water and I'M the one who wakes up feeling hungover???

Apparently my new year's resolution wasn't to blog more

Well, it's 2011. It feels a little late to bore you little with my resolution blog (which would consist of: do more things for myself, find more time to write, and sell my house...and not necessarily in that order).

But I will ask you to have a drink for me, because Mr. KK and I are on the wagon. January is detox month. And besides my longing for white cranberry martinis, ice cold beers in frosty mugs, and glasses of wine by the fireplace, I hardly miss drinking at all.

(perhaps my new year's resolution is to be more sarcastic. That I can do no problem)

Our house renovation project is slowly coming to a close. Besides our countertops, the big stuff is pretty much done. It's the small, annoying, time-consuming stuff that's left. When we went toilet shopping a few weeks ago, I thought nothing could be worse. Then I spent four hours on Sunday filling in nail holes in door and window trim with putty and my finger. Now THAT'S what I call a fun weekend. Between that and no drinking, Mr. Kk and I really know how to live it up.

And I wish I had the strength to tell you about our actual new year's eve, when Mr. KK's friends invited us over, then two weeks later made other plans to go out. WTF? I hate to complain, because it was a blessing in disguise. I wasn't feeling well, and we got to stay in and cook a yummy supper and drink and play games by the fireplace. It was a really nice way to end a really shitty year. And I'm sorry, but can someone politely ask Dick Clark to retire? I love America's Teenager as much as the next guy, but watching him is tough. I think even Ryan Seacrest can take over the countdown.

2011 is already shaping up to be an exciting year. We're buried under 18 inches of snow, giving me yet another day off. I made 2 placements at work this week. My grandmother is turning 90 in a few weeks. 2010 is just a distant memory. And I like it like that.

Happy new year, almost a fortnight late!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I'm smarter at 4am

Figured out blogger for the iPad! Thankfully you all no longer have to suffer through 375-word blog titles posing as posts.

I'm on vacation this week, so of course I woke up at 6am yesterday, and at 3:37am today. My inner clock is awesome like that.

Today we have a memorial mass for Mr. KK's grandmother, Helen. Today would have been her 92 birthday. I hope she approves of all the changes we're making to her house. I can hear her now, "An orange stove? Really?" (that would have been in italics, but I don't know where those are yet)

And tomorrow Mr. KK and I are headed for an overnight getaway to the casino. Since we are on our "saving money crusade" (and btw, it should really be called "spend no money crusade" because really, we're not saving shit between my reduced salary, renovating the house and how loosey-goosey we have to be with our credit cards (new toilets don't grow on trees!)

And speaking of new toilets, we bought one on Sunday. Have you ever shopped for a new toilet? H, there is little more thrilling than standing in the aisle at Home Depot discussing the flush pressure and seat height of ye old crapper. Should we get white, or white? Fascinating!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I got an iPad from my new job, except I can't figure out how to type in the body of my blog, only the titles. It's like twitter for blogging! Help!

let the Christmas rush begin

So here I am, just before dawn, sitting in the dark of my house, on the Saturday before Christmas. I'd like to say it's quiet, except Vito is sitting on the rug staring at my expectantly, emitting little cries that say "I'm hungry!" and "I have to poop!"

Today is officially my first day of my holiday vacation. I do not have to return to work until the Monday after Christmas.

What started out as a bunch of days seemingly filled with nothingness, has turned into a jam-packed week.

Today is our annual family cocktail party. We almost cancelled, due to the economy and the fact that I already packed away all of holiday serveware months ago with the prospect of moving. But it just didn't feel right to have a year go by and not have everyone over. We already didn't get a tree this year (it just makes the room look small...and we're trying to sell our house!), and I couldn't imagine skipping yet another holiday tradition.

On tonight's menu:

• roasted shrimp cocktail

• scallops wrapped in bacon

• beef empanadas

• mini blue cheese twice-baked potatoes

• pulled pork sliders

• greek salad skewers

• cheese and olives

And the featured cocktail is the White Grapefruit Cosmopolitan – a delicious mixture of grapefruit vodka, triple sec, lime juice and white cranberry juice, garnished with a few floating cranberries. It's beautiful and festive.

Also on tap for this week:

• Vito's manicure at the vet. This should prove to be a fun day, considering my little pup HATES having his nails clipped. BONUS: we also have to work in time for a bath, since he inevitably poops himself (literally scares himself shitless) every time.

• seeing the third Focker installment with both families. Mr. KK took both sets of parents to see "Meet the Fockers" a few years ago, and the tradition will continue. "Meet the Parents" is still my favorite movie of all time. ('I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?')

• memorial mass for Mr. KK's grandmother on her birthday. A good time to tell her how much we miss her, and how different (and awesome!) her house looks.

• a little over-night getaway to the casino. We haven't been in almost a year, as we've been trying to not spend any money. But this little trip makes a perfect Christmas gift to each other, and a $69 hotel room doesn't hurt either.

• and, oh yeah, Christmas shopping. Probably about time I started doing some of that!

Off to get my pork butt in the crock pot!

procrastination

Right now I'm doing everything I can to procrastinate calling a candidate and telling him that I just found out today was his last day of work.

NOT the call you want to make on a Friday afternoon...or ever, for that matter.

Did I mention he has a newborn at home?

Good times.

(did I mention I'm procrastinating by drinking???)