conversations with the elderly

Last night I placed my (sort of) weekly check-in phone call to my grandparents. The first call went unanswered because they were at bingo.

I had more luck with the second call.

GRAM: "Hellooooo?" my grandmother always draws out the "o" in her hello. It's more of a "helllleeeew".

KK: "Hi Gram!"

GRAM: "Oh! Why, howdy do?" She's been saying this to me since I was 5.

This grandmother is my youngest grandparent, coming in at a whopping 86 years old. My grandfather is 89. My other grandmother is 88. And they're all in great health. I'm very lucky.

KK: "I was just calling to check in."

GRAM: "Why? Did you hear there's something wrong with me? That I was sick?"

KK: "Um, no. Why? Is there something wrong with you?"

This isn't the craziest question. My parents play this really fun game of "let's keep stuff from KK". Actually, it's not fun at all. Because it leads to me receiving phone calls like, "Hey, remember that surgery on her eye that your Grandmother had a few months ago?" [No.] "Well, now she has this infection, and needs expensive medication...blah blah blah." [Still...no.]

GRAM: "No! I'm fine. Well, except this thing on my fanny."

KK: "What 'thing'?"

GRAM: "Oh, I don't know. It's been there for a while. I went to the doctor a month ago. They gave me cream. And it got a little better. But it's coming back again. I called the doctor and waited by the phone all day for them to call, and they never did. I'm going to call again tomorrow."

I have a quick mental image of my grandmother not even leaving her recliner to go to the bathroom, fearing she'll miss the doctor's call. Sadly, I know I'm not that far off.

KK: "I hope it's nothing serious." In my mind, Gram has a really big pimple on her ass.

GRAM: "I'm sure it's nothing, but I don't like the way it looks. Even your grandfather doesn't like the way it looks."

Okay, ew. I didn't need to hear about my grandfather staring at my grandmother's ass. Right before we're getting ready to eat dinner.

GRAM: "Your grandfather said it looked like a..."

KK: "Okay! I got it! No need to go on!"

GRAM: "What? You think your grandfather has never seen me naked?"