Wednesday, August 17, 2011

well, THIS is week of firsts

On Monday, I received my first piece of 'hate mail' from a candidate applying for a position through Craig's List. (Listen, buddy, I don't make the jobs, I just work them.)

Today, I received a portfolio from a recent college grad who had worked as a tattoo designer. Her portfolio contained all cartoon-esque drawings of well endowed women with captions like, "I've never seen one so BIG!" and "It's too big to FIT!" and "Oooh, it's so sticky!"

Um, pass.

Monday, August 15, 2011

animal house

I live next door to Dr. Dolittle.

If Dr. Dolittle were a 5-foot tall, middle-aged woman who was slightly off her rocker.

Ms. Crazytown has lived here for a while, and knew Mr. KK's grandmother when she was living in our house. In fact, Mr. KK's grandmother used to get a kick out of seeing this lady's ducks waddling across her backyard. Until the day she didn't see the ducks and found a wing - and only a wing - in her backyard.

Score 1 for the coyotes.

One Sunday night while we were walking Vito around the yard, she was in her front yard and waved us over.

I had avoided her up until this point (see? I'm an AWESOME neighbor. I totally leave you alone, and don't want to be up in your business. At all.), but we were more or less trapped. Mr. KK knew her from when he was younger, and when she was equally as nuts.

I can only take small talk for so long.

ME: "So, how many animals DO you have over here?"

The list went something like this:

- 8 dogs (yes, 8!)
- 2 finches
- 2 canaries
- a 25-gallon fish tank filled with goldfish
- a 55-gallon fish tank filled with mini sharks, sting rays, and other fish that are probably illegal
- 2 ducks (that spend their days in one of 3 kiddie pools in the front yard) (oh, and they follow her around like she's their mother)
- 7 duck eggs, ready to hatch any day!
- did I mention the 8 dogs???

A few additional points:

- their house is slightly bigger than ours. and there are times when I feel crowded just hanging out with Mr. KK and our stuff
- the biggest dog is a German Shepherd, the smallest is a chihuahua
- the dogs stay outside ALL OF THE TIME
- the dogs bark ALL OF THE TIME
- she had binoculars to check for hawks, who apparently enjoy swooping down and stealing ducks

A fun conversation:

ME: "Where do all of the dogs sleep?"
CRAZY: "Six of them sleep in our bed. The two big ones sleep outside."

Um, what?

ME: "You sleep with six dogs and one husband? I hope you have a King-sized bed."
CRAZY: "No, it's a queen. But it's big."

Sure, whatever you say, lady. I sleep with one husband and a 15-pound dog, and I can barely fit. Oh, one sleeps on your head? Comfy!

CRAZY: "Come back in 12 days when all of my duck eggs hatch!"
ME: "Oh, for sure. Where will those little devils live?"
CRAZY: "In the special cage I had constructed."
ME: "Great. Don't be suspicious if you see us having Duck a l'orange one night for dinner."
CRAZY: ((look of horror))
ME: "Kidding. I'm kidding."

Sort of.