i'm tired just thinking about it

I signed up for a 5k with some girls from work. We joined as a corporate team. The race is September 26.

Why this is a big mistake, numbers-style:

0: Number of 5k's I've run

0: Number of any-other-number-k's I've run

2: Number of times I've EVER run

3: Number of times I've said I'd never run again (once for just thinking about running)

0: Number of times I've started training since signing up

0: Number of times I've exercised since signing up

2: Number of times I've thought about exercising since signing up (that counts, right?)

I'm hoping that on the day of the race, I'm so inspired by the runners around me (read: terrified of being trampled) that I just....run.

For 3 miles.

Either that, or my new coworkers can just drag me.

An open apology to my grandmothers

Last week I thought it would be a nice gesture to take my mother and my two grandmothers to the movies.

Let me say this: The Kids Are Alright, but I'm scarred for life.

What I thought would be a sweet movie about family and struggles and how in the end everything is okay as long as you love each other, turned out to be 2 of the most embarrassing hours of my life.

I can sum up the movie for you in two words: gay porn.

And I'm not talking about a little smooch between Julianne Moore and Annette Bening. I'm talking top-drawer hidden movies with full-on frontal nudity and man on man hard-core sex.*

Do you know how octogenarians react to gay porn?

Here are THEIR reviews of the movie:

Grandmother A: "Well. THAT was interesting."

Grandmother B: "They should be ashamed of themselves for making a movie like that."

*This is NOT a post about about what's right and wrong. I think EVERYONE should have the choice to be with whomever they want. Don't mistake my shock for ignorance. My grandmothers will never be the same.

scalding oil 1, kk 0

Yesterday, as I was dropping onions in a frying pan, a rather large splash of oil jumped up and landed on the inside of my wrist.

And - no surprise here - it hurt like a mo fo.

So today I'm garnering strange looks as I walk around with a big bandage on the inside of my wrist, looking like Lindsay Lohan's roommate in Crazytown.

happy anniversary, mr. kk!

They say the 5-year anniversary gift is wood.

Considering the size of the remodeling project we're in the middle of, it seems oddly appropriate.

Reason #756 why I love my husband

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

there aren't enough hours for THIS tutorial

My mother wants to start texting.

This, from the woman who has to go to the AT&T store so they could help her retrieve her voice mails.

like I need another reason to skip the gym

One perk of working at my new company is that there's a gym in the complex. And if you work within the office park, then you get to join the gym for TEN DOLLARS. A one-time payment. $10 forever.

This deal is perfect for me: it makes is even harder for me to ignore my tight-fitting pants. The gym is right there. I have to drive by it to go home. Plus, they have the fancy treadmills with the TVs attached, so I can work out while watching Paule Deen make shortbread cookies. (Counter-intuitive, but it's been than eating the cookies, right?)

The other day the gym called to let me know that as the final step in signing up I'd have to go and have a training session with one of the trainers. As a professional gym-joiner - and not necessarily a gym-goer - I've been through this before. You go. A big guy named Bif shows you how to use the equipment. And you go home. (You know, because that totally counts as a gym visit. Right?)

Not today.

Today, I meet with Jay the Trainer.

Now, I know I can be a little...standoff-ish...when I'm not totally into something. And I'm totally NOT into having a personal trainer named Jay.

Jay has me warm up on the ARC machine while he does his sales pitch. I'm not sure if their plan is to make you weak and exhausted so you'll agree to anything as long as you can stop, but it seemed that's where today was going.

Apparently, today's session was number one of three. Oh, and these three sessions cost $20. Now, it's not the money (okay, it is a little), but don't you think the gym could have told me it was three sessions and it cost extra money when they MADE ME sign up?

As we move onto squats, Jay continues to talk to me about the program, and commitment, and sticking with the plan. If I needed this kind of talk I would have gone to an AA meeting. (Also? It's weird to just randomly do squats while some critiques you. Especially when they need you to do about 30 of them to make their analysis.) ((NOTE: my thighs are freaking burning right now.))

After a turn on the machine, we set up my next appointment. Jay asks me if I can come in next Friday at 6:30pm. Apparently Jay doesn't know that after 5pm on Friday is my appointment with my other trainer, Alcohol. (whom I like so much more than Trainer Jay, btw).

Oh, did I forget to mention that Jay gave me homework? GYM HOMEWORK? Wtf?

My homework is to weigh myself on Wednesday morning. And also to look through my closet and find an article of clothing that I think looks like shit on me (well, that's easy). And next week, I can share this information with Jay.

Did I mention I could sign up to take classes there for a mere $99 a month? Oh, and Jay costs $45 a session. So my $10-forever gym bill could technically be over $300 a month?

No thanks, Jay.

So now I have 2 more appointments with Jay, that I don't want. I'm going to his stupid gym class on Monday (my first one is free!), that I don't want to go to. And, now someone who works at the gym KNOWS me. So I can't workout in peace. I'll be self-conscious that someone is spying on me.

And I don't need anyone judging my fat body besides me...and Paula Deen.

fodder for phone throwing

Automated message for my insurance company:

"Hello and thank you for calling. For English, please press 1."

((kk presses 1))

"You have pressed: 1. If this is correct, please press 1."

Remember me? A top 10.

1. I completed my first week at my new job. It's new and different, and I'm paranoid we're going to be poor (I work on commission), but so far, so good. Only thing I miss about my last gig is the people. Oh, and Facebook. And blogging.
2. Our Big Fat House Renovation Project is moving along! Cabinets are ordered. Appliances are ordered. My ankle is on the mend.
3. I'm whoring myself out on Linked In. Because in my new business it really IS all about who you know. And I need to know more people.
4. I'm starting to get back into working out. Slowly.
5. Today I'm looking forward to having breakfast with an old friend.
6. Dear HVAC guy, painter, medical insurance person and plumber: please call me back.
7. Today is my first day without health insurance, until I get my COBRA paperwork. I'm afraid to leave the house.
8. Better work hours = better dinners for Mr. KK. I'm back to cooking!
9. Something is eating our vegetable garden. We FINALLY had 2 eggplants growing...and now they're gone.
10. I'm not a suit girl, no matter how much I try.

Bonus #11: there are 96 items in my google reader...I'm really behind! time to catch up!