Thursday, May 30, 2013

enter: old age



I used to think old age was something that just happened gradually over time. But, if you asked me when I felt old, I would adamantly answer: "Sunday, May 26, 2013."

That's not my birthday.

Or any other milestone in my life.

It's a random Sunday when all of a sudden my body waved the white flag and totally gave up.

It started with my fingers on my right hand, which all of a sudden decided to get some type of arthritic pain, and no longer be able to open bottles or jars, or carry heavy pans from the stove.

Then, my back was all like, 'fuck this shit' and gave out when I was lifting the god-damned crock pot out of the sink. It was a sudden pain that left me bent in half, gasping for breath.

Did I mention this was in the morning of the day we were having 50 people at our house? No? Tiny detail.

And then, for the finale, my weird stomach pain came back from the dead. Yep, after a month or so of hibernation, it reared it's ugly head.

I've officially broken down. I've moved from my thirties to one foot in the grave.

Here's a list of all the things it hurts for me to do:
Sit
Stand
Lie down
Walk
Get up
Breathe
Sneeze
Grip
Drive
Move
Eat
Turn
Roll over
Open anything
Close anything
Get dressed
Shave my legs
Bend
Laugh


But I can still write!

Hallelujah!

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