I Prefer Strangers Touching Me

(Alternate Title: My Life Is A Seinfeld Episode)

My neck and back are achy. So I thought a massage was just what I needed.

My normal salon that I love – where I go for my nails and eyebrow waxes – also offers massages. The problem is, one of the massage therapists is a girl with whom I went to high school.

Now, I’ve only had 2 massages in my whole life. So I’m still a novice when it comes to stripping down and putting my face in that little hole in the table.

But what I do know, is that I don’t want someone who is a sort-of acquaintance touching me or seeing me half naked.

I’m pretty sure there is more than one masseuse working at the salon.

And I know the first name of the girl I know is Brenda (I don’t know her married last name).

And I’m also aware that the receptionist knows my voice.

So I have to play it cool.

So for my first attempt at calling for an appointment, I have a co-worker call for me.

Monday Night

I prep her for the call.

ME: “I’d like to go anytime on Saturday, I don’t care what time. The girl I DON’T want is named Brenda. I will take an appointment with anyone EXCEPT Brenda. And don’t be obvious about not taking an appointment if she’s the one working.”

CW: "Gotcha."

I dial the phone. My co-worker waits anxiously.

CW: “The answering machine picked up.”

ME: “Dammit. They must be closed. Just hang up.”

Tuesday Morning

How bad could this be? I could disguise my voice a little, be nonchalant and totally pull this off.

ME: “Hi. I was wondering if you had any massage therapists working on Saturday.”

RECEPTIONIST: “We sure do. We have two massage therapists that work here. And they are both named Brenda. The shorter of the two Brendas is working on Saturday.”

WHAT???

Are you kidding me? They are BOTH named Brenda? What are the frickin’ chances of that?

ME: “Um, how about a pedicure appointment?”

Real smooth.

The receptionist sets one up for me.

RECEPTIONIST: “Do you want an appointment for a massage, too? We have openings.”

ME: “Um…no…no thank you. I'm good. I think I just have time for the pedicure.”

Click.

Present Day And Time

Me, calling another salon near my home to set up a massage with a total stranger (fingers crossed!).