WTF?

It hasn't rained in Vegas ALL SUMMER (I know this, because I've been checking the weather, like, everyday since I booked the trip), and THIS is what the weather looks like for next week???


Is Vegas NOT in the desert? You know, they place where they don't get rain???

(this could definitely change my wardrobe – and footwear – choices)

((AAARRRRGGGGG))

A Girl Can Dream

So two weeks from RIGHT NOW I will be in Vegas, Baby!

I’m really looking forward to a much-needed break, even if it’s so hot you can fry an egg on the sidewalk and my shoes are going to melt to the pavement (actual warning from Dad right there).

We have a few fun things to do in the works (including dinner with my crazy uncle…), but for the most part, we’re not planning much. (Although I am secretly planning to hit it big. And see lots of celebrities. Afterall, it IS Vegas.)

So speaking of celebrities (wow, what a completely unplanned segue!), I had a (semi) crazy dream last night.

THE REALITY: I have a friend who lives in Vegas whom I haven’t seen in years. He’s been working in various nightclubs, and now he’s working in this super new uber trendy nightclub. If time and schedule permits, we may meet him for a drink.

THE DREAM: It’s our last night in Vegas and we head over to see my friend at his club. He has set aside a VIP table for us, complete with bottle service and a waitress with a penchant for tattoos, leather and an attitude. The club is packed, smoky air rising up to the strobe lights. The DJ is spinning hard and the music pumps in my chest. Everyone is tan and thin. I feel pretty cool.

A very large authoritative-looking man is walking toward our table, followed by Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel!

Of course JT looks good, if not a little on the thin side. He’s wearing jeans and a faded t-shirt (I guess when you’re a gazillionaire you lose the need to dress to impress). I’m not really a huge fan of Jess, but I’m happy to see that her bangs have grown out a bit and she’s no longer sporting that my-mom-just-cut-my-hair-with-a-bowl look. She’s wearing a billowy peasant top and her signature skinny jeans.

They witness the exchange between me and the bouncer, who is politely asking us to leave our table when JT butts in and says, “Hey, its okay. They can stay. The more the merrier!”

Jessica then leans over and says to me, “Cool dress.”

Okay. This is the part that it becomes VERY apparent that this is a dream because:

A. No celebrity is going to ask stranger-nobodies to join them
B. Only in a dream universe does Justin Timberlake use the phrase, “the more the merrier!”
C. It is highly unlikely that Jess would like something from – or has ever stepped foot in – TJ Maxx

So we all squish into the semi-circle booth. Justin mixes a vodka and cranberry for Jess and requests just a water for himself. I guess that’s how he keeps his girlish figure.

I lean and ask, “So, what do you do?” to Justin, which cracks them up.

I drink too many martinis. Justin waves over the paparazzi and has them take our picture together. I imagine a spread in OK! Magazine featuring Yours Truly hanging with the jet set. Finally! My big break!

Jess and I are giggling like we’ve been BFFs since first grade.

Justin autographs my thigh. (okay, I made that part up.)

THE REALITY: It was time to say good-bye to JT and Jess and get up for work.

(I’d have brought sexy back, but I hear everything is supposed to stay in Vegas.)

Book Snob

DILEMMA: I need some new books to read.

I'd love nothing more than to stop at Barnes and Noble on the way home.

But I can't.

PROBLEM: I cannot control myself in a bookstore. I walk in the door and it's like a gravity pull to the "New Paperbacks" table. I arrive empty handed and I leave with 11 books and a lighter wallet.

I have the same issue with Target. "I'm just running in for some moisturizer!" turns into "That'll be $101.53, please." And it's not MY fault. I had no idea until I got into Target that I also needed three birthday cards, lipgloss, a picture frame, an under-the-bed-lucite-storage-bin-thingie, two t-shirts, a baby gift, a 10-pack of Big Red, dishwasher detergent, a dog toy, Tostitos and a DVD.

Not only do I have nothing to read right now, I also need AT LEAST three books for my Vegas trip (that's one LONG flight).

Not only do I spend lots of money in book stores, I also spend WAY too much time. (We're talking HOURS here. And that doesn't include my time in line, running out of line at the last minute to grab one last book, waiting in line again, being seduced out of line by the Bargain Books, then hopping back in line again.)

And I'm pretty superficial, I definitely judge a book by its cover. A confusing/busy/ugly cover means two things: 1. you didn't care enough about your book to make it LOOK interesting 2. I'm not reading it. (Sorry.)

Once a book passes my first test and moves onto the second round (actually being picked up), I read the first page. If you have me hooked, then I'll take you home.

That's where it all goes downhill. I find 3, 5, 7 books that I really, really, really want to read.

Here's where my book snootiness comes into play.

If I REALLY wanted to try and save some money (hey, these are tough economic times!), I would drive my ass over to the (rather large) public library near my house and borrow books to read.
(this would require me getting a library card to this specific library, as I am yet to visit it in the 3 years that I've lived in my town)

But I won't.

Because those books aren't new. They don't have uncreased spines, bright pages and new-book smell (they have some other smells, though, like mildew and remnants of the last borrower's curry dinner).

I'm getting a book someone else read. Someone else dropped on the dirty train floor. Someone else sneezed on.

Plus, everyone knows a library gets like ONE copy of a book. And mama doesn't like having to WAIT for her books.

I think I'm really left with only one option.

(Most Likely Next Post Title: "Why I Can't Pay The Oil Bill This Month")

Book Review: Driving Sideways by Jess Riley

Hooray!

What a great debut!

It was a light-hearted, sentimental, funny read.

Makes me want to dig up the girls and drive cross country!

100th Post!

AND, Happy Birthday to my blog, which is ONE YEAR OLD this month.

(Also a BIG BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT to TS and DY: you guys are catching up to me!)

In honor of my 100th post, I've posted 100 things about me.

(I won't hold it against you if you don't read them ALL. Well, maybe a little.)

1. I’m an only child
2. I never wanted siblings until I was older
3. I like my skin
4. I hate my thighs
5. I sing in the car
6. I talk to myself
7. I’m a cancer survivor
8. I give good advice
9. I’m an optimist
10. I’m also a realist
11. I have a strange fear of overflowing toilets
12. I love to eat
13. I’m an AWESOME cook
14. I want to win the lottery
15. I’m funnier in person
16. I like to be right
17. I tell it like it is
18. I love having size 6 feet
19. I’m a morning person
20. I want a show on Food Network
21. I love the smell of pipe smoke
22. I’ve never done drugs
23. I would do almost anything to avoid cleaning
24. I love to grocery shop
25. I prefer emailing to talking on the phone
26. I love to plan parties
27. Mosquitoes love me
28. I used to work in Walt Disney World
29. I never met a french fry I didn’t eat
30. I wish I could grow avocados
31. I’m clueless when it comes to the stock market
32. I took 6 years of Latin
33. I work better under pressure
34. I’m a snappy dresser
35. I like to gamble
36. I hate losing (gambling and otherwise!)
37. I don’t like sports
38. I love watching Cheerleading competitions
39. I danced for 13 years
40. I prefer Boston to New York
41. I get carsick if I’m not driving
42. I don’t have a middle name
43. I’m technologically challenged
44. “The Far Side” cracks me up
45. I draw flowers when I’m bored
46. I love the beach
47. I look better with a tan
48. I can’t swallow pills without food
49. I don’t mind speaking in public
50. I don’t exercise (I should!)
51. Old age runs in my family
52. I only eat 2 hot dogs a year
53. Fall is my favorite time of year
54. I’m allergic to raw fruit
55. I’m fiercely loyal
56. I talk to strangers
57. I’m a perfectionist
58. I don’t like baths
59. I can’t sit around and do nothing
60. I’m only 5 feet tall
61. Mexican and Italian are my favorite food genres
62. My eyes are different shapes
63. I don’t wear pantyhose. Ever.
64. Someday I want to go to Turtle Island
65. If I found a wallet, I’d try to return it
66. If I found a $20 bill on the sidewalk, I’d spend it
67. I believe I’m destined for greatness
68. My parents are proud of me
69. I would do anything to help a friend
70. I believe that life is more important than work
71. I've never been arrested
72. I prefer Target to Walmart
73. I can watch the same movie a million times
74. Sour cream is my favorite condiment
75. I used to subscribe to 14 magazines
76. Most of the time, I don’t care what people think
77. I love my mother-in-law
78. I don’t know how my mother hasn’t driven my father crazy
79. I take after my father
80. I won’t admit I have some of my mother’s habits
81. I’m short-waisted
82. I am not above clipping coupons
83. I get a high from finding a great deal
84. I rock (literally – I can’t stand stand still. Okay, figuratively, too! Go, me!)
85. I keep clothes hoping I’ll fit into them again
86. I used to sleep with a blankie
87. I still have it (it's in a drawer. i swear)
88. Barbies were my favorite toys
89. I still haven’t forgiven my mother for throwing them all away
90. I have no patience for fake people
91. I have a hard time hiding it if I don’t like you
92. I want to be published
93. I like living only 5 miles from my family
94. I love driving, I hate commuting
95. I’m not superstitious
96. I’m an excellent multi-tasker
97. I’m strangely proud of my low blood pressure
98. I remember EVERYTHING
99. I’m a shoe whore
100. Wow, 100 already? I guess I like to talk about myself!

Cracks Me Up!

At my company, everyone can share their itunes music.

It's pretty cool if you're in the mood for a particular song or genre of music that's not in your personal library.

When I opened up the Shared Music folder today, I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Here's the name of one of my coworker's itunes library:


LOFL!

Countdown To Vegas!

Three weeks from right now, I will be on a plane to Sin City.

Because, honestly, where do you go to beat the summer heat?

Somewhere hotter!

Right now, the temperature there is a steady 105.

When people hear this, their response is usually “But it’s a dry heat!”
(and they say it enthusiastically. Because they truly believe that 105 won’t feel hot because there’s no humidity. The point that they’re missing? It’s still ONE. HUNDRED. DEGREES. Dry heat my ass.)

I’m super-psyched to go, as I have not been on vacation since last March.

And, because I’m a total loser, I already have my plane outfit picked out.

And most of my outfits for the week.

Hey, Vegas is a hip place. I want to look good when I'm partying with Paris Hilton.

So I was telling my mother about my outfits last weekend when my (drunk) uncle was in town.

Coincidentally, my (inebriated) uncle will be in Vegas the same week we are. So we are planning to meet him for dinner one night with a bunch of his friends. If that night is anything like the 4-martini dinner night (when he was presumably holding back because he was visiting his family), we’re in for a real special treat.

My mother gets this worried look on her face.

MOM: “You better bring sneakers to walk in.”

ME: “Sneakers???”

UNCLE: “Sneakers???”

My uncle goes on to tell me that he wouldn’t be caught dead with me if I wear sneakers.

Truly – my family loves me.

ME: “It’s a hundred degrees. My feet will DIE in sneakers.” Plus, I don’t tend to wear sneakers unless I’m exercising. And the chances of me exercising in 100 degree heat – even a dry heat! – are less than zero.

ME: “I’ll wear flip flops.”

MOM: “What if you fall out of them and then your foot touches the hot sidewalk? KK, you’ll BURN your foot!”

Does my mother think I’ll be that drunk that I won’t be able to keep my shoes on? (Or, perhaps, she thinks I will be that clumsy.)

If you had to bet, smart money’s on an alcohol-induced foot-burning accident.

Afterall, it’s Vegas, Baby!

(and Mom knows me pretty well)

One Of The Many Reasons I Miss Joss

Yesterday's email exchange:

To: Joss
From: KK

This weekend I bought the cutest pair of bronze gladiator sandals from Marshall's on clearance for $11!!!


To: KK
From: Joss

OMG!!! I bought bronze gladiator sandals from the Marshall's up here! Mine were only $20!!!

****

Miss you, doll!