The New Birth Control

Have you seen it?

It’s a television show on TLC called “Jon & Kate Plus Eight”.

Storyline: This couple, Jon and Kate (who are younger than I am, btw) get married and want some kids. It wasn’t going to happen au naturel, so they headed to the fertility clinic and WHAMMO! Kate’s preggers with twin girls. Well, Jon and Kate decide that they want just one more… (You know where I’m going with this?) Back to the doctor and just under a year later, Kate is pregnant with sextuplets. As in six babies. Coming out of her hoo haa.

That’s EIGHT children, people!

Six of which are the same age!

(Think: feeding, changing and cleaning six babies at once! And what about potty training? Can you even IMAGINE?)

First off, let me say that I am ADDICTED to this show. LOVE it. Every episode is like a train wreck, I just can’t tear my eyes off of the TV. I won't even change channels during commercials. The DVR is set for the new season.

That being said, holy shit – I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have eight kids under the age of 6!

Now, I know they didn’t ask for sextuplets (“Hey, instead of ONE baby, let’s have SIX! What do you think? You in?”), but don’t IVF and similar treatments often yield more than one baby? I mean, they are their own living proof – they had twins the first time around!

Nothing about their life is normal, or will ever be normal again. Yes they are a couple who simply adore their kids. But, come on!

Take a minute and think of just ONE thing you like to do. One thing.

Then imagine doing it with eight children. (Seriously, play along)

Here’s mine: I like to cook.

Now, here’s me cooking with EIGHT CHILDREN:

ME: “Hey, Mommy’s gonna cook some dinner now. Are you all hungry for dinner?”

EIGHT Kids (screaming): “YES!”

KID #1 (taking every pan out of the cabinet): “I want hot dogs!”

KID #2 (trying to climb up on a chair): “I want macaroni and cheese!”

KID #3 (clinging to my leg): “Cheerios! Cheerios!” (Breakfast for dinner? This CAN’T be my kid)

ME: “How about everyone goes in the living room and I’ll put a video on for you?”

KID #1 (banging pans together – immense musical talent): “No.”

KID #4 (chewing on one of Vito’s toys): “No, thank you.” (Hey, at least he’s polite)

ME: (to Kid #4): “Please take that out of your mouth.”
(Then, to anyone listening): “If you don’t let Mommy cook, she won’t be able to make you dinner.”

((43% of kids start crying at the thought of having no dinner.))

KID #5 (small sobs): “I’m hu-hu-hu-hungry. I wanna eat!”

KID #6: “Me, too! Me, too!”

KID #7 (taking off his diaper): “I pooped!”

Vito sniffs diaper, determines Kid #7 is telling the truth, and heads for cover.

I survey the contents of the fridge, and determine that meatloaf is the way to go.

ME: “We’re having meatloaf!” (feigned enthusiasm. totally called for, however, because I make a killer meatloaf)

KID #3: “NO meatloaf!”

ME: “Yes, meatloaf.”

KID #3 & KID #4 (giggling): “NO meatloaf!”


KID #8 (wandering in from the other room…where the hell has she been all this time?): “I want cookies!”

ME: “No cookies. Hey, who wants to DRAW for Mommy what they want for dinner?”

EIGHT KIDS: “YEAH!”

ME: “YEAH!”

KID #4: “I’m gonna draw French fries!” (Seriously, I DO feed my children healthy meals. They just don’t feel like drawing broccoli right now, okay?)

KID #7: “I’m gonna draw my poop!”

Kids #5 and #6 run and get crayons and paper. Everyone finds a seat. I hand out sippy cups. All’s quiet at the kitchen table.

I stare at the ground beef, potatoes, onions and spices on the counter.

I pour a glass of wine.

I pick up the phone.

ME: “Hi, I’d like to order five large cheese pizzas, please.”