Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Dear Slobs At Work,

All you sloppy coworkers, you know who you are.

You’re the people who don’t know how to make microwave popcorn without burning it, or toast bread without setting off the smoke detector.

You never replace the empty water bottle or the naked roll of paper towels.

You will leave a miniscule piece of the last cookie on the dish so that you’re not technically eating the last bite, and therefore not responsible for cleaning the plate.

And the messiness doesn't end there.

You slobs fall into one of four categories:

1. The Fridge Hog. You bring in 27 pieces of Tupperware everyday. Only you NEVER eat the food you bring in. Instead, the food sits unopened in the fridge for weeks, taking up valuable refrigerator space, until the top grows fuzzy and someone can eat it as penicillin to cure strep throat.

2. Last Piece Lulu (or Larry). Who doesn’t love you – the person who eats the last piece of cake, last slice of pizza or last scoop of potato salad and then leaves the plate/box/bowl empty on the counter? I mean, seriously – the trash can is literally less than a foot away…you can’t throw it out???

3. The Sharer. Random nameless, shapeless cookies leftover from your son’s bar mitzvah? Bring ’em in! Half a blueberry pie that from which your family ate? Your coworkers will eat it! The generosity stops at bringing the food in, however, because at the end of the day, when the counter is still littered with untouched stale cookies and half a gelatinous pie from your house, you – Ms. Sharer – don't even bother to throw it away.

4. The All-Around Slob. You get the Gold Medal of Sloppiness. You not only embody messy traits 1 through 3, but a few additional gross oddities as well. Like leaving dirty dishes in the sink (um, how about trying that contraption under the sink. It's called a dishwasher. Amazing invention!). You pour your soup remnants out in the sink and leave mushy carrots and so-called chicken pieces in the drain. You spill coffee on the counter and never bother to wipe it up.

I think "Clean Out The Fridge Day" should be declared a national holiday on our company calendar.

I mean, seriously, you AREN'T this messy at home.

Are you???

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