Thursday, November 8, 2007

From The Makes-You-Want-To-Vomit File

Britney Spears makes $737,868 a month.

That’s $24,595 a day.

That night she went commando to the club, she earned $25k. That day she shaved her head…it was worth tons of moolah. Even when she looked like an idiot at the VMA’s, she still earned some serious bank. Seriously, she could buy me a different new car every day.

So her loser soon-to-be-ex-husband now wants more money from her because he “has no net income”.

Here’s a brilliant idea, K-Fed, why don’t you GET A JOB???

I’m not sure what your skill set is (do partying and spending money count as skills? If so, I have to update my resume), but I’m sure you could find something.

Hey, we’ve all been there, working at a job you don’t necessarily love, but it pays the bills and allows you to still dine at nice restaurants. And we all have standards.

Take me, for example: I wasn’t always a high-profile copywriter. Before I hit the big time, I had one or two less-than-stellar gigs.

About six years ago, I had left my job in Boston because I had to complete a full-time internship for my graduate program. The only thing I wanted to do was to work in magazines, so I secured my UNPAID (read: zero money) internship at a magazine in NYC. To save money, I moved back home with my parents (SO cool when you’re in your late twenties), and took the train to the city almost two hours each way three days a week. Fun, fun, fun.

I had to make money somehow, so I started searching for a temporary part-time job. Of course, coming off the luxurious 9-5 world, I was picky – I didn’t want to work nights or weekends.

Yeah, right.

Finding a job was difficult, because most employers want you to be flexible. Oh, and most part-time jobs require you to deal with people, and I since I pretty much dislike most people, landing that dream job was nearly impossible.

After two weeks without a paycheck I bit the bullet and contacted a friend of a friend for a job at her family’s restaurant. (Hey, those BCBG heels don’t buy themselves)

Enter: Yours Truly, the new part-time hostess at a rib joint.

After three glorious months (and the hilarious title of “Head Hostess”) here’s what I learned:

1. How to fold napkins into those pretty little stand-up triangles.

2. How to use creative math to make a register balance.

3. How crazy people are. Everyone who came in to the restaurant wanted to sit in a booth (there were about 7 booths in the entire restaurant). These people would wait for an hour for a booth instead of sitting at one of the 20 empty tables in the dining room. WTF?

4. Shoes that are both trendy and comfortable don’t exist.

5. It takes two shampoos to get the smell of ribs out of my hair.

That job wasn’t the worst job in the world (the day I cleaned toilets at a water park in Walt Disney World was). But I did it. Because I had to. Because Britney wouldn't give me money, either.

So, Mr. K-Fed, until you bounce back from your failed rapping career and catch your big break (it's coming any day now, I can feel it!), there are plenty of acceptable jobs out there, just waiting for you!

(BTW – and this is just my opinion – I totally think you could pull off button-studded suspenders and red striped shirt at TGIFridays.)

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