Sunday, November 25, 2007

Tell Me How To Get To Sanity Street

I’m really bothered by something I read earlier in the week.

Apparently, Santa should no longer say his widely-known “Ho Ho Ho” anymore because it’s offensive. Instead, he’s supposed to put on his red suit and shout “Ha Ha Ha” at children. Basically laughing at them. Mocking them. (Highly doubtful that his belly will shake like a bowl full of jelly while uttering his new catch phrase, btw.)

Yep, after a million years, society has deemed Santa’s expression offensive.

So, where do we start making things right? I suppose we could start at the malls, where men sit all day long, with droopy white beards, making little kids scream and cry. I guess they could start integrating “Ha ha ha” into the world.

But what’s next?

Reprint the gazillion Christmas cards that are sold with “Ho Ho Ho” on them?

Digitally change the holiday cartoon specials that little kids live for every year?

Re-record the classic Christmas songs that make the holiday season what it is?

I tried incorporating the new lingo into songs yesterday when I was driving to mall:

Up on the housetop reindeer pause

Out jumps good old Santa Claus
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones, Christmas joys
Ha, ha ha! Who wouldn't go? Ha, ha ha! Who wouldn't go?

Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with old Saint Nick

(Anyone who doesn't think the song sounds stupid like that raise your hand. Didn't think so.)

So there I am trying to digest this ridiculousness and I read this headline:

“Sesame Street DVD Deemed Adult-Only Entertainment.”

(Sounds like porn. Is this the never-before-seen-footage where Gordon and Maria get it on in the backroom of Mr. Hooper's store?)

Well, I grew up on Sesame Street (and Mister Rogers, and The Electric Company), and I seemed to turn out okay. What could be the problem? Why shouldn’t kids be watching the show on which I grew up? Because it – and I quote – “may not suit the needs of today's preschool child.”

W.T.F?

Their needs? Um, when you’re four your needs are food, water, sleep and parental figures who love and nurture you. I don’t think your needs depend on two puppets living together in a basement apartment, or an old man running the general store.

Seriously, what is the world coming to???

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