I Want To Be On Food Network.

There. I said it.

I am in LOVE with the FN. It’s like my porn.

I think it started when I attended a taping of Emeril Live about 6 six years ago. I sat right at the counter! I met Emeril! I got to taste the food, enjoy some wine, joke with Rhoda.

Ever since then, I’ve been obsessed.

I want to be around all of that beautiful food.

I want my toughest decision being which burner on my Viking stove to turn on.

I want to use the phrase “fish monger”.

There are so many new faces on Food Network, that I often find myself screaming at the TV: “How come SHE got a show???” and “I could TOTALLY do that!!!”

I’m totally jealous.

Maybe I could start out slowly. Work my way up to my own show.

I could start out on Recipe Showdown.
(Um, Guy, did you get my submission for my burger recipe? Hello?)

Then I can be a guest star on Paula’s Best Dishes. We’ll share girl talk. We’ll cook comfort foods together. I’ll “WOW” her with my risotto.
(Sure, Paula, extra butter sounds divine!)

THEN, once I’m in with the FN execs, I’ll throw my idea for my show at them. They’ll fall in love with whole concept. They’ll offer me a show on the spot. We’ll film in the country in Connecticut. I’ll be a household name.

Hey Food Network – Call me!