fortune-ate

I was expecting my fortune from lunch to say "you are too much sushi".

Instead it read, "Good news will come to you from far away" [in bed].

I wish I got this fortune last week, and the news I got was from lottery state headquarters telling me that the $25 million lottery ticket that was purchased in Connecticut was mine.

Dear Crazy Tomato Lady,

Um, what made you think you could customize your very own pint of grape tomatoes?

All of those pints that are set up on that table? Those are for you to pick up and put in your cart.

They are not for you to open, sort through, pick apart and create a utopian pint of perfectly round, red and ripe grape tomatoes.

Guess what? They have machines and people who have already done the sorting for you. They have been weighed and shipped. That's already someone's job.

As for what's inside? You have to try your luck on what's inside like the rest of us.

Hugs,
kk

Fool me twice, shame on me

Little Ms. Blogger tagged me!

Here's the deal:

"Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me."

Don't mind if I do!

Pride:
What is your biggest contribution to the world?

My mere existence. And my shoe wardrobe.

Envy
What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

Their ability to remove themselves from work completely and not care about what’s going on around them. When the clock strikes 5, they are out the door…even if the work’s not done.

Gluttony
What did you eat last night?

Delish sushi with Tim Gunn. We had tons of catching up to do, he’s been so busy with Project Runway and all. It was so nice, just us girls.

Lust
What really lights your fire?

Man boobs.

Anger
What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

A coworker is gathering a group to take me out to celebrate my promotion. Bitch.

Greed
Name something you hoard and keep from others:

My opinion. I don’t share it with anyone.

Sloth
What’s the laziest thing you ever did?

Took a job at this place. 12 hour days, weekends, on-call 24/7…I need to get up off my ass.

I'd like a large pizza, extra weird

Last week I worked late (shocker) so we decided it would be pizza night.

Mr. KK placed the order (it was his turn to pick toppings) and I picked it up.

ME: "Um, hi, I'm here to pick up an order for pizza and a salad."
GIRL: "Name?" I mean, there's NO ONE in the place, and no orders waiting besides mine.
ME: "It's under either KK or Mr. KK."
GIRL: "Oh here it is...Mr. KK."

She rings me up. I see her punch in $18 for the pizza.

ME: "Wow. A large pizza costs $18?" I'm all of a sudden 85. And cheap.

Yes, we order a large pizza. For two of us. And we sometimes finish it. Don't judge me.

HER: "Well, he ordered 3 toppings. And they are WEIRD toppings, too."

Weird? Like grasshoppers? Gummi bears? Gum balls?

ME: "Like what kind of weird toppings?" Now I'm a little concerned I'm picking up the wrong pizza.

HER: "Sausage, eggplant and ricotta." She makes a face. Skinny, bitchy cheerleader face. I doubt she even eats pizza.

ME: "Sounds delicious."

I pay her and leave.

And the pizza? Totally rocked.

What are YOUR favorite pizza toppings? Weird like mine???

this weather is effing depressing

Not that I have a lot going on besides work, but I mean, really.

Could the northeast catch a freaking weather break? It's almost July and I'm the color of Elmer's Glue.

469 miles, 3 states and 25 drinks later...

I’m back from Philly! Aren’t you all dying to hear about my trip???

Because I was always out and about and Mr. KK was more or less at work, our communication was mostly through text messages. So I thought it would be fun to experience my birthday trip with the girls through our texts.

But first, a general list of PROs and CONs:

PRO: Having time off from work.

CON: NOT making it Pat’s and Geno’s for a cheesesteak.

PRO: Spending time with the girls like I haven’t done in years.

CON: Jungle-like weather conditions. I mean, we were three states away, not in the Amazon.

Okay, now for the Cliff's Notes version of our trip:

Wed. June 10

TEXT: AC, baby! We’re here! Ocean view room!

Our first stop was Atlantic City. Yep. Our $39 room had an Ocean View. Granted it was rainy and cloudy and cold, but it was nice to see the beach we weren’t going to.

At lunch I scored a free cosmo by answering a riddle and humoring an old, lonely guy at the bar. Anything for free drinks on our birthday trip!

TEXT: Lost. Am a total loser.

Even with Lady Gaga’s poker face advice, the cards were not good to me.

Thurs. June 11

TEXT: Best. Grilled Cheese. Ever.

On the way to Philly we made a pit stop at The Pop Shop (hey, that rhymes!), which is a soda shop/sandwich shop that was featured on Throwdown With Bobby Flay.

They have about 25 different varieties of grilled cheeses, and I tried their version of the one Bobby made in the challenge: brie, goat cheese, bacon and tomato on sour dough. Holy cheese overload! Topped it off with a chocolate milk shake and some fries and onion rings.

Bellyache city.

TEXT: Literally just bumped into Danny DeVito. He’s shorter than me!

Seriously. He’s like 3 feet tall. And what little hair he had was a total mess. That night we saw him at the hotel bar with a group of young people. Turns out he was in Philly shooting an episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and was having drinks with the cast of the show. I don’t watch the show, and found this all out after the fact, but I totally count this as a celebrity sighting.

(the next day on TV was the movie “Twins” with Danny and Arnie…coincidence???)

Fri. June 12

TEXT: Heading out to learn shit! Xoxo

The Liberty Bell, where the first congress met, where they printed the Declaration of Independence, Betsy Ross’s house…I was all historied-out.

TEXT: At the game…extra innings of course.

Longest. Sox game. Ever.

Sat. June 13

TEXT: Having my new favorite martini in the hotel bar. Going for Italian tonight. Raining like cats and dogs.

Our hotel bar made the yummiest martini ever: The White Grapefruit Cosmopolitan. We took a picture of the menu ingredients so I could recreate it at home: Grapefruit flavored vodka, cointreau, fresh lime juice and white cranberry juice. Shake and garnish with fresh cranberries.

Delish!

TEXT: Back at the hotel bar. Spilled red wine on my white jeans…oops! Having another two of my favorite martinis. Am spending lots of money!

((pretty self explanatory))

((this night consisted of 4 martinis and 2 glasses of (red) wine. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a rough morning after))

TEXT: am the only one awake…don’t want to make noise but I am bored. Heading out early, see you soon! Can't believe vacation is over!

My morning insomnia didn’t go on hiatus for vacation, unfortunately.

Mon. June 15

TEXT: Ugh. Just got to work. It’s like I was never away…

Philly, yo!

Birthday trip recap to come!

Really?

I'm sure there as much shock and surprise here as when Clay Aiken claimed the same headline.

(What's next? Paris Hilton is skanky? The Olson Twins need a bath?)

a sneak peek into what my life is like today:

As I was getting dressed today, I noticed that I only shaved one leg in the shower.

Attractive.

WANTED: Facebook tutor for my mother*

Facebook: Please go back to the "old way" of doing stuff, where you can't see what all your friends are writing on their friends' walls.

Because right now, my mother thinks that everything she reads on her homepage that I've written to other people, is written to her.

She is commenting back to me on something I wrote to someone else, because she doesn't know that it's not written to her.

*I am willing to pay top dollar.

Dear Crap-Ass Neighbors,

I harbor a very intense dislike for you.*
(*self edit. To prevent reader suggestions that I need anger management classes)

Of course, on the one day that Mr. KK and I have together to hang outside and enjoy the beautiful weather doing little projects in our yard, you're having a birthday party for one of your bratty kids.

I knew I was in trouble when Vito and I were returning from our morning walk and you were unloading balloons and a cake the size of Rhode Island out of your stupid ugly blue caravan.

And then, you might as well have shoved a pine cone up my ass when you told me about Micah's birthday party that afternoon. And the 29 children that were attending.

So there we were, sawing and hammering and chopping up tree roots trying to build our vegetable garden, and 29 whining children (30 if I count your husband) were staring at us over the fence.

And I don't care how many dirty looks you gave me. Especially when little pieces of tree root flew over the fence as Mr. KK axed it all away. And I didn't feel bad when we ran the buzz saw. Loudly.

Hey, it was my weekend too.

And we had to do something to drown out the misery going on in your yard.

Hugs,
KK

begrudgingly, I'll watch

The new season of The Next Food Network Star is on now.

And even though I didn't make it on the show, I'm going to watch.

Cause I'm nice like that.

(that's not to say I'm not a little miffed. I mean, my risotto video rocked if you ask me...)

snubbed.

So, my MOTHER, the woman who can't figure out iTunes, replies to my emails by re-forwarding them to me and has before asked me "Can I google how to google?", has joined Facebook.

That's not the worst part.

She didn't friend me, her very own daughter!

(ps, she has seven – SEVEN – friends...none of which are ME.)

And I Mean It!

People around the corner from me put this lovely "Keep Off The Grass" sign on their lawn.




Perhaps they should have been more specific.

Because right now, it's deflecting passersby, dogs and landscapers.

Everything you've ever wanted to know – and some things you didn't – about KK

I've been tagged in a Meme by Didi from The Sorority.

So here goes...

1. What is your current obsession?
• Winning the lottery. I’m convinced it’s going to happen.
• The traffic. My commute has been taking forever.
• My trip to Philly next week with the girls!

2. What are you wearing today?
My new vintage T-shirt from Target (so I’ll look cool and hip) and my FAVORITE ReRock jeans…it’s like they were made for me…I wish I had 14 more pairs.

3. What's for dinner?
Pork chops on the grill, roasted potatoes, string beans, and an arugula, tomato, avocado and goat cheese salad with lemon vinaigrette.

4. What would you eat for your last meal?
My grandmother’s roasted potatoes. Some sort of pasta. Washed down with Pine Ridge Voignier.

5. What's the last thing you bought?
$220 worth of stuff from Target that I probably didn’t need.

6. What are you listening to right now?
The super-annoying crying/whining/screaming kids of my super-annoying neighbors.

7. What do you think of the person who tagged you?
DiDi is sincere and loyal; she’s the person you pick to be your best friend.

8. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Beacon Hill, Boston. With parking, please. Our vacation home would be in Napa Valley.

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
A Tuscan villa for a delicious dinner and wine.

10. Which language do you want to learn?
Italian. It would give me better leverage when trying to get Mr. KK to let me book a trip there.

11. What's your favourite quote (for now)?
“This kind of shit only happens to me.” – kk

12.What's your favourite colour?
Pink. Girly, preppy, this-isn’t-for-the-boys pink.

13. What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
This black and white striped dress that I found on a rack in Filene’s Basement in Boston. It has a plunging neckline and a very exposed back. I feel absolutely beautiful in it. It’s been tailored to fit me perfectly (at least it used to!)

14. What is your dream job?
A published author, who can write for fun from home and spend the days with Mr. KK and Vito, eating out at restaurants, and traveling the world.

15. What's your favourite magazine?
InStyle. It’s just the best.
And People Style Watch, which comes out every 2 months. I must buy it the minute it hits the newsstands.

16. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
LOL – at first I read this quickly and thought it said “$1.00” so my answer was going to be “the winning lottery ticket”.
But $100? Definitely shoes.

17. What are you going to do after this?
Go back to writing for work.

18. What are your favourite films?
Oh, with these films you all will judge:
Meet the Parents, Wedding Crashes, Father of the Bride (Steve Martin is hilarious)

19. What's your favourite fruit?
I’m allergic to most fruits, so I’d have to say grapefruit.
If I could eat any fruit without getting hives and going into anaphylaxis shock, I’d go with a Granny Smith apple.

20. What inspires you?
People who love what they do. Especially ones who go out on a limb and risk it all. (ie, quitting their job and starting writing full-time from home. I WANT to do it…not sure I could…)

21. Your favourite books?
Chick lit central here: Jen Lancaster’s stuff, Jennifer Weiner, Jane Green, Emily Giffin

22. Do you collect anything?
Hugs! (kidding)
I collect wine corks. I’m saving them up for a big home improvement project.
If you count clothing, then I definitely “collect” shoes.

23. What are you currently reading?
“Pretty In Plaid” by Jen Lancaster (it’s great!)

24. What's your earliest memory?
I’m not sure if I remember things because of my memory, or because I see pictures.
But one of my earliest memories was driving on the highway with my mom in her Gremlin when I was three or so, skidding on sand and almost going off the road on the exit ramp and smashing into the guard rail. From the backseat I said to my mom, “Mom, you broke the car.”

25. By what criteria do you judge a person?
How they treat others. If they’re not considerate, they’re not for me.

Worst. Website. Ever.

Dear Onlineshoes.com,

You S-U-C-K.

First off, let it be known that I didn't CHOOSE you. I received a generous gift certificate from my Mother-in-law for Christmas. So I was forced to do business with you.

That being said, I can now tell you about what happened, and how you're the worst.

The fact that I had to order my shoes OVER THE PHONE, when you're clearly an internet shoe company is quite telling. (um, you're called "onlineshoes.com" not "trytopurchaseonlinethengiveuscallwhenitdoesn'twork.com).

Also?

You're just plain incompetent.

Gift certificate aside, I've been looking for black kitten heel pointy-toed shoes for about 2 years. I used to have a pair I loved, but I totally wore them out, and I haven't been able to find a pair I liked since.

So miracle upon miracles I find them – beautiful Calvin Klein's in a shiny patent leather – on your site.

As I'm checking out, your website is asking me for a Gift Certificate number. I do not have a Gift Certificate Number, I only have an order number. After many fruitless tries, where I attempt to re-enter the same number over and over again because surely I have the number that they're looking for, I break down and call the 800 number.

Phone Call #1

ME: "Hello! I'm trying to redeem my gift certificate and I'm missing a number I need. Can you give it to me?

The Sales Girl gives me the correct number and sends me on my merry way.

SALES GIRL: "Try this one. If it doesn't work, just call me back. But you should be all set."

And by "all set" she meant "just starting your frustrating business transaction with us".

Because as soon as I entered the Gift Certificate number, I was told it was invalid.

Phone Call #2

ME: "Hi. I just called. I have a gift certificate that is NOT working online. Can I please order my shoes with you over the phone?"

Again, it's weird to me to be ordering something "online" from a person on the phone. It's like I just stepped back in time 10 years.

SALES GIRL: "Sure thing. Just give me the item number and we'll get them out to you."

I give her my name, address, the item number, my order number, my mother-in-law's name, her address, three-quarters of my retirement funds and my first born.

Hey, guess what? In some time between the first and second phone call, the patent leather shoes are no longer available. Instead, I have to get the same shoe in regular black leather. Grrr. Fine.

We're in business.

SALES GIRL: "I'll get those shipped to you right away. I'll send you an email with the difference in price as a smaller Gift Card."

Three days.

One week.

Two weeks.

Three weeks.

Not only do I not have any shoes, I never received my email confirmation with a new gift card with my remaining balance.

Looks like it's time for another phone call.

Phone Call #3

ME: "I hope you can help me. I received a gift certificate for Christmas...called and ordered...blah blah blah...never received my order."

SALES GIRL: "Can I put you on hold?"

Sure! Why not? I've already been waiting for a month for my shoes.

SALES GIRL: "I found your order. It looks like it got stuck in limbo in our system. It was never placed."

ME: "That would explain why I never received them."

Click. clickety-click. Click. Her fingers are flying over the keyboard.

SALES GIRL: "And it looks like we no longer have your size in the Calvin Klein kitten heel."

Of course you frickin' don't.

SALES GIRL: "We do have it in a 6.5...can I offer you that one?"

I'm a size 6. I ordered a size 6. How is a 6.5 going to make up for the fact that you don't have my size? It's not like you're out of the blue shoes so you offer me the same size in red. You're out of my SIZE.

SALES GIRL: "Why don't you look around on our site and call back when you find something you like. In the meantime, I'll add $10 to your Gift Certificate for your inconvenience."

Again, you are an internet company. WHY are you asking me to call back with my order? Why don't you want me to order them online???

But you couldn't stop there, could you, Onlineshoes.com?

Nope. You had to pour salt in the would.

When I arrived home from work, waiting in the mail was a flyer from YOU talking about your summer sale!

I can't make this shit up.

But I'm wondering how you had my address, since my order never went through.

Can you explain that one?

Annoyed in Connecticut,
kk

what do I know, anyway?

Remember how I interviewed that woman who SWORE during our interview?

Well, I found out they hired the fucker.