First off, let it be known that I didn't CHOOSE you. I received a generous gift certificate from my Mother-in-law for Christmas. So I was forced to do business with you.
That being said, I can now tell you about what happened, and how you're the worst.
The fact that I had to order my shoes OVER THE PHONE, when you're clearly an internet shoe company is quite telling. (um, you're called "onlineshoes.com" not "trytopurchaseonlinethengiveuscallwhenitdoesn'twork.com).
You're just plain incompetent.
Gift certificate aside, I've been looking for black kitten heel pointy-toed shoes for about 2 years. I used to have a pair I loved, but I totally wore them out, and I haven't been able to find a pair I liked since.
So miracle upon miracles I find them – beautiful Calvin Klein's in a shiny patent leather – on your site.
As I'm checking out, your website is asking me for a Gift Certificate number. I do not have a Gift Certificate Number, I only have an order number. After many fruitless tries, where I attempt to re-enter the same number over and over again because surely I have the number that they're looking for, I break down and call the 800 number.
Phone Call #1
ME: "Hello! I'm trying to redeem my gift certificate and I'm missing a number I need. Can you give it to me?
The Sales Girl gives me the correct number and sends me on my merry way.
SALES GIRL: "Try this one. If it doesn't work, just call me back. But you should be all set."
And by "all set" she meant "just starting your frustrating business transaction with us".
Because as soon as I entered the Gift Certificate number, I was told it was invalid.
Phone Call #2
ME: "Hi. I just called. I have a gift certificate that is NOT working online. Can I please order my shoes with you over the phone?"
Again, it's weird to me to be ordering something "online" from a person on the phone. It's like I just stepped back in time 10 years.
SALES GIRL: "Sure thing. Just give me the item number and we'll get them out to you."
I give her my name, address, the item number, my order number, my mother-in-law's name, her address, three-quarters of my retirement funds and my first born.
Hey, guess what? In some time between the first and second phone call, the patent leather shoes are no longer available. Instead, I have to get the same shoe in regular black leather. Grrr. Fine.
We're in business.
SALES GIRL: "I'll get those shipped to you right away. I'll send you an email with the difference in price as a smaller Gift Card."
Not only do I not have any shoes, I never received my email confirmation with a new gift card with my remaining balance.
Looks like it's time for another phone call.
Phone Call #3
ME: "I hope you can help me. I received a gift certificate for Christmas...called and ordered...blah blah blah...never received my order."
SALES GIRL: "Can I put you on hold?"
Sure! Why not? I've already been waiting for a month for my shoes.
SALES GIRL: "I found your order. It looks like it got stuck in limbo in our system. It was never placed."
ME: "That would explain why I never received them."
Click. clickety-click. Click. Her fingers are flying over the keyboard.
SALES GIRL: "And it looks like we no longer have your size in the Calvin Klein kitten heel."
Of course you frickin' don't.
SALES GIRL: "We do have it in a 6.5...can I offer you that one?"
I'm a size 6. I ordered a size 6. How is a 6.5 going to make up for the fact that you don't have my size? It's not like you're out of the blue shoes so you offer me the same size in red. You're out of my SIZE.
SALES GIRL: "Why don't you look around on our site and call back when you find something you like. In the meantime, I'll add $10 to your Gift Certificate for your inconvenience."
Again, you are an internet company. WHY are you asking me to call back with my order? Why don't you want me to order them online???
But you couldn't stop there, could you, Onlineshoes.com?
Nope. You had to pour salt in the would.
When I arrived home from work, waiting in the mail was a flyer from YOU talking about your summer sale!
I can't make this shit up.
But I'm wondering how you had my address, since my order never went through.
Can you explain that one?
Annoyed in Connecticut,