pancakes, anyone?

Last night I went for my very first mammogram.

Boy, was that fun!

Not.

The girls haven't been man-handled like that since my junior high boyfriend got curious.

But I thought I should go, just to have a baseline done. So I have stuff to compare it to later. Especially since both my mother and my grandmother had breast cancer. And the fact that I had cancer makes me think I'm an easy target (even though there's not really any medical evidence of that).

No results yet.

Just flattened boobs.

Can someone pass the syrup?

(PS: this is my 400th post!)

feeling twitty

We have these Lunch and Learn programs at work every so often. People in the company will lure fellow coworkers to their presentations by dangling free (and rather untasty) lunch in their faces.

Lots of companies do this. I know Mr. KK's does; he'll spend lunches learning about steel vs. concrete, and load-bearing walls.

My company's Lunch and Learns are a little different.

Today's was about Twitter.

What I learned today:

• it's called Twitter but your posts are called Tweets
• there are 50 million tweets EVERY DAY
• it's a new language filled with @ and # and _
• Twitter is taking over the world
• I'm afraid of Twitter

It took me forever to cave and join Facebook.

Twitter scares the crap out of me. It feels like a socially-acceptable means of stalking.

I am officially NOT on Twitter...

Are you on Twitter? What do you tweet about?

I think I grew up in the wrong decade

A few weeks ago while I was home recuperating (after I agreed to adding all the fun movie channels to our cable system) I came across this movie on TV:


I LOVED this movie. I wanted to LIVE this movie.

Do you remember it?

I think I watched this movie every day my entire Freshman year of high school. I had it memorized.

Not only did I love the dancing and the music, but the whole idea of a girls' getaway made me smile. But it makes me laugh to think of this movie being filmed now, and how different it would be.

Instead of driving the Myrtle Beach, the four 18-year-old friends would be packing their Louis Vuitton bags and jetting off to Cabo or Miami. Instead of entering a Shag contest they'd be getting drunk on the beach and entering wet T-shirt contests. Instead of hanging out at a drive-up milkshake and burger joint, they'd be sipping $15 martinis, nibbling on designer sushi and bumping and grinding with strangers to Kesha. And forget Bobby Valentine. They'd be on the hunt for Bradley Cooper.

But it would end the same: four girls clinging to each other before going their separate ways.

(BTW, could Phoebe Cates be any cuter in this movie???)

Dear Uncle Sam,

(For the record, the only reason I like Tax Day is because it's my birthday.)

Ah, tax time.

Just when I expected an ass-raping from you last night, you turn on the charm for what ends up being a romantic evening resulting in a nice monetary return. And you even threw in some cuddling.

You can totally call me next week.

Hugs,
kk

Life lessons

Despite not winning any money at the casino, I had a great weekend with friends.

And the old saying "You can learn stuff anywhere" is true. (And by "old saying" I mean that I just made it up).

A few eye-openers for me this weekend:

• I can no longer down a greasy cheeseburger and fries at 2am and wake up unscathed

• If you're going to lose your shirt, be sure to wear your best bra (at least one that's not all stretched out)

• You are never too young to start having "senior moments"

• While my 90-year-old grandfather comes off as a crusty old coot to his family, the people he lives with in senior housing have a completely different view of him

• No matter how badly you think you look, there's always someone nearby who looks a zillion times worse

• People-watching should be an Olympic Sport (I'm pretty sure I could bring home the Gold for that one)

• Speaking of Olympic Sports...curling? Really?

• "Date Night" isn't as much fun with Mr. KK's third-wheel coworker

• Guinness is not my thing

• I'm not as mean as I think I am, since I never opened the hotel room door and screamed bloody murder at the imbeciles across the hall WHO NEVER WENT TO SLEEP and instead yelled and slammed doors until we had to get up at 8am

• Some jokes – especially inside ones with good friends – never, ever get old

Hello, weekend of vices!

The last few weeks have been relatively quiet (surgery, minor dabbling in narcotics and flooded basement aside).

And this weekend we're making up for it! We've got a jam-packed two days coming up, filled with vices galore. In fact, all seven of them.

See here:

1. Pride or Vanity Tomorrow, we are headed to the casino to meet up with our Boston friends. I will spend much time contemplating my appearance (heels or flat boots? clutch or messenger bag? smokey eye or neutral lip?) so that I look just so.

2. Greed I better win at said casino. And when I win, I will want to win more.

3. Lust I'm getting all turned-on and sweaty just thinking about the Hot and Dirty Martini that awaits me. Hello, lovah.

4. Wrath or anger I will be pissed if I don't win any money.

5. Gluttony Tonight Mr. KK and I have a date with some very yummy gourmet burgers and microbrews.

6. Envy or jealousy My grandfather's 90th birthday surprise party is on Sunday. I could only WISH to live that long.

7. Sloth or laziness Once 6pm Sunday night rolls, you can find me in jammies, under a blanket, snuggling with Vito on the couch.

Oh Friday, what too you so long!

Is God testing me?

Monday: flooded basement

Tuesday: snow storm

Wednesday: locusts?

narcotics and pushy salespeople don't mix

Hey, blog world! I've been MIA for a while. I apologize. Had a few hiccups to get through. And no hiccup happens without a story, right?

A little over a week ago I had a little surgical procedure.* The best part of surgery? The drugs! Sort of.

I'm no stranger to anesthesia, which is code for knock-out drugs and I don't always get along. Sure, I go down for the count in a millisecond, but waking up is another story. Last week was no different.

After three attempts to get myself up, I finally was able to get myself dressed and into the over-sized wheelchair. We left with post-op instructions that said: 

"You will be a little out of it today. Please refrain from making important personal and business phone calls and decisions today." Apparently, the rational side of my brain would be affected by the meds. Apparently, they were right.

I was tempted to call work, because I just might not be able to control myself from quitting.

When I got home I settled onto the couch with magazines, books, a drink and the remote. My mother and mother-in-law came over to keep me company. I click on the TV for some afternoon talk show love, only to find out we have no cable. So pretty much the three of us spend the afternoon staring at each other. But not before I called the cable company to complain.

(I'm pretty sure when they go back and listen to our pre-recorded phone call, they will question not only my sanity, but my lucidness and education level).

It's a little fuzzy, but our conversation went something like this:

KK:  "My TV isn't working. Well, the TV is working, but the cable isn't. Well, the box goes on, but I can't see any picture."

CABLE OPERATOR:  "Hey, it's looks like you guys were cheapskates when you signed up for cable and don't have any of the good channels. For only $5 more a month – (read: making your cable bill almost as much as your mortgage) – you can get all of the channels."

KK:  "Even the Style network? So I can watch all the new episodes of Guiliana and Bill???"

CABLE OPERATOR:  "Yes! Let me add that to your bill right now."

And then I picked up the computer...

When Mr. KK came home, he was greeted with this message:

"Hey! You're home! Guess what? I called the cable company and we get ALL the channels now! And you know what else? I bought some stuff at Banana Republic! And new shoes from Piperlime! Oh! And I booked a weekend trip to Boston! And..."

And that was all BEFORE I took the percocets.

*I'm alive. No worries.

this? makes me want to vomit.

She's going to regret taking that photo with that Farrah Faucet hair.

(also? 'New York Time Best-Selling Author' is attached to her name? guh-ross)

snow day!

Today I'm "working" from home, due to the big blizzard in the Northeast.

Sure, it's barely snowing right now, but I'm sure the bad stuff is on its way.

My day today looks something like this so far:

8:00am: check all email accounts
8:10am: update Facebook status
8:11am: log into ichat and work email
8:15am: start doing work
8:18am: check status of Piperlime shipment
8:23am: give Vito belly rubs
8:31am: download photos from camera
9:03am: get on a surprise video chat for work (if i knew this was going to happen i would have made myself a little more presentable!)
9:45am: vacuum downstairs
10:15am: do some work
10:23am: vacuum upstairs
10:56am: decide Vito's bowls and placemat must be washed
11:05am: re-check status of Piperlime shipment
11:08am: get the mail
11:13am: cook up chicken from the fridge
11:20am: roast brussel sprouts and broccoli
11:45am: respond to personal emails
12:13pm: sit down on the couch for a nice bowl of chicken and roasted veggies for lunch
12:15pm: OMG! I LOVE Bonnie Hunt's show!
12:17pm: Um, Giada is cooking with a teenager who she calls a cousin, but is actually an aunt. Apparently Grandpa had some healthy sperm.
12:23pm: OMG! Guiliana and Bill are going to be on Bonnie's show!
12:35pm: crushing on Guiliana and Bill
12:41pm: umm, Mr. KK and I could TOTALLY have our own reality show
12:52pm: send work email
12:53pm: wash dishes
1:02pm: am exhausted...think it might be time for a break

Dear Self Respect...I'm sorry

After watching a hilarious stint on the SNL Weekend Update that featured Snooki, I tuned into my first-ever episode of The Jersey Shore on Sunday. I just HAD to see it.

And, sadly, I can't get that hour of my life back.

But it has somehow seeped into my brain, so much so, that when I went to a client meeting in Jersey yesterday, I kept my eyes peeled for "The Situation" and "Snooki".

I didn't see either of them. But I did find this cool "Jersey Shore Nickname Generator" online.

So if you could please refer to me as "The Opportunity" from now on, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Go ahead, do yours. You know you want to.

On a Jersey Shore-related side note, Mr. KK's 18-year-old cousin told me that one of her friends (age 17) hooked up with Pauly D (age 29) the other night.

My first thought: um, illegal.

My second thought: um, gross.

This post is being recorded for quality-assurance purposes

I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago.

There was some lab work that they submitted to my insurance company to be paid.

This week, I received an Explanation of Benefits REJECTING the charges...from the insurance company I had 4 years ago.

Evidently, their system is not up-to-date.

So I call today, to set the record straight.

PRE-RECORDED VOICE: "Thank you for your call. The office is now closed."

KK: "Of course it f*cking is."

PRE-RECORDED VOICE: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand your request."

Busted!

who's your doppelganger?

There is a woman who walks the street next to our building every morning on her way to work (at some other building) who looks EXACTLY like one of our proofreaders.

Each morning during our team status she'll be walking by and one of will yell out, "There's Dean's doppelganger!"

I'm convinced that everyone has a twin somewhere in the world, so I was happy to see that the latest craze on Facebook was to share who your celebrity doppelganger is.

Here's a photo of mine...


(I like to think I'm a better dancer!)

Who does everyone tell you you look like?

Let's start a bloggy doppelganger craze! Post your doppelganger on your blog!