resolutions for the rest of the world

I could use this post to talk about MY New Year's resolutions – to gain 50 (readers, that is); get my novel underway; and make this the year I leave my effing job (I don't care if I have to work at the Gap) – but instead, I thought I'd use this time to share some resolutions I'd like everyone else in the world to make.

You know, to MY life easier.

To the grocery store bagger:
• I know you don't like it when I try and bag with you (you've told me to stop before), so if you could please resolve to just bag my items how they appear on the belt, that would be just great. I take the time to lay them out how I want them grouped together; that way, I don't end up with a 28-oz. can of crushed tomatoes on my bread and my cold cuts squished under my milk.

To the the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru abuser:
• The purpose of the drive-thru is to make a quick stop on the way to work. So, I beg you to try and NOT go to the drive thru when you have 27 things to order (especially when you are required to wait for half of your items to be made, holding up the line). Also? Could you not pay with a credit card?

To the pigs at work:
• Putting your dirty shit in the dishwasher is easy. Try it this year.

To Vito's vet:
• When I make an appointment with you to have Vito's nails clipped – because he cries like a girl when most people try but for some reason you're like the nail-clipping dog whisperer – I'd really appreciate it if you made the effort to stay at the office for the appointment. When you leave the clipping up to the techs, we're left with a dog with that has to wear the Hannibal Lecter muzzle, gets only 3 nails clipped and poops on himself.

To my esthetician:
• Can you please stop canceling on me? Please?

Happy New Year!