Caught Dirty Handed

Rumor has it, there’s a certain male and a certain female at work who do NOT wash their hands after using the restroom.

(Let’s have a moment of silence and let that disgusting news set in, shall we?)

Pretty much everyone in the office knows who the male is. He’s actually one of the Presidents of the company. I guess they don’t teach you basic hygiene on your way up the corporate ladder. Or maybe he’s used to having an assistant wash his hands for him.

Thanks to fellow male coworkers, word got out that Mr. President was called out by the COO (um, can you say embarrassing???) after emerging from a men’s room stall (yes, a stall. Repeat…a stall. READ: more than urination.)

I guess Mr. President was doing his usual routine: exit the stall, fix hair in the mirror, head out with dirty bathroom hands into the office to touch everything.

Apparently the COO was in the bathroom as well, at the sink washing his hands when Mr. President emerged. They chatted for a bit, then began to exit together. COO, spotting Mr. President’s complete disregard for everything clean and sanitary, says semi-laughing, “Hey, wash your hands!” (chuckle chuckle). Mr. President takes his chuckling as a joke and laughs along with him, still making his way towards the exit. COO stops Mr. President and says, “Dude, seriously. Wash your hands!”

Now, as a working adult, I guess there are a few things that you could expect to be reprimanded about when it comes to your job: missing a deadline, stealing millions of dollars in Post-It Notes from the company, spending too much time on Facebook. But how could you be forty-something (fifty-something? I don’t know, I’m awful with age) and need to be told by your boss to wash your hands after using the bathroom?

Unacceptable.

Ah, but there’s a female culprit, too.

Except we don’t know who it is.

I’m a rather astute lady. I watch and listen to people, I observe them. Because of this, I pretty much know everyone here by their voice, cough, cadence of their walk and shoes. So I usually know with whom I’m sharing the bathroom within two seconds of entering. (But I’m NOT one of those people who will talk to you while you are peeing. I HATE that. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have stopped by your desk. Leave. Me. Alone.)

So I’m always watching what the other ladies in the office do while spending time in the bathroom.

There’s the young girl who touches up her makeup at least four times a day. I mean, really? WHO are you going to see at work? (I highly doubt she's trying to impress someone, as my company is 95% female.) Then there are the teeth brushers. And the perfume sprayers. And the mirror starers. But what I haven’t noticed, is the woman who skips the sink.

But the super-sleuths around here are on the case! Someone has taken the master phone list, and each time they see a female wash her hands after using the rest room, they cross her name off the list.

Who ever is left, is the anonymous non-hand-washing bandit.

ME: “Wow, guilty by phone list. I like it!”

COWORKER: “I still have a long way to go.”

ME: “Well, you can cross ME off the list.”

COWORKER: “Well…”

ME: ?????

COWORKER: “I cross people off when I actually SEE them wash their hands.”

ME: “Well, I know how it works for everyone else. I’m just telling you that I know I wash my hands every time, so you can cross me off. Go ahead. I’ll watch you.”

Let the Womanhunt begin!